"Clearly in Hiding Mode"

hello, stranger –

well the gods have spoken, and i've decided to hide out this weekend.  my much anticipated road trip to California has been canceled due to driver stupidity – mainly my own, for allowing myself to get distracted - but also because of the fact that the ding-dong ahead of me didn’t have intelligence enough to understand the concept of a turning lane, and came to a dead stop for no reason in the middle of a busy road.

that's pretty standard for out here though, and if this town isn't the hands-down champion city of idiotic drivers, then it is at least a top 5 contender (and yes, i realize the irony of that coming from a guy who just skidded it into the back of another car and cracked up his bumper).  but when i pulled over to talk with the guy he wanted nothing to do with exchanging information, and he definitely wasn't interested in waiting around for the cops. that's pretty typical for around here as well, and now that i’m paying more attention to it there seems to be a fair percentage of vehicles on the roads out here that could easily be mistaken for being on their way to - or coming from - some kind of demolition derby.

there’s any number of scenarios that could account for this guy wanting to get the hell out of there, but i wasn’t about to look a gift horse in the mouth, and he sped off faster than i could've asked for.  so i was left standing there with little more than a busted up bumper and a good reason to second-guess my upcoming trip to the coast, which would eventually lead to me having a very real dilemma on my hands.  on the one side of my brain, a road trip seemed like a great escape for a day or two - on the other, i was exhausted, worn out and feeling broke, and just been served up a significant reality check.

the second half won out, so now i’m hiding out for the weekend.  it’s Super Bowl Sunday, and i’m spending it alone.  the plan had been to head out to San Diego for a friend’s party, and then up the coast to hang out at another friends in LA for a couple of days, right there on the beach.  and even though i could’ve definitely used the change in venue and a little bit of windshield therapy from the road, something kept telling me this was a blessing in disguise.  i’ve taken a couple of major hits lately, and if trouble comes in 3’s then i’m kissing the sky with gratitude that this was the third.

i was sad to cancel the trip, but now that i’ve had to take stock i realize how exhausted i’ve made myself, plugging all the holes and putting out all the fires.  everyone thinks i'm gone, and i'm happy to leave it that way. less headaches, less phone calls, less stress – more free time to focus on the things i know i need to focus on. when you're in the problem-solving business your own tend to come last, so this is a good time to practice a little self-care and go into what i dubbed Hiding Mode years ago.

so here’s the backstory to Hiding Mode: i once came across an article in a local newspaper while in college that’s headline read something like "Discarded School Lunches Save Man's Life".  the article was about how a homeless guy had slept in a dumpster overnight to stay out of the cold, only to wake up as the dumpster was being emptied into a trash truck first thing in the morning.  the driver described how he compressed the trash with the hydraulic compactor about 16 times in order to make sure it was good and tight, before dropping it off at the local dump.  there was a whole paragraph of the driver excitedly describing how he really squeezed the shit out of this particular load of trash.

it was only as he was driving off that he saw the homeless man emerge – in a manner that i can only imagine would be like a baby being born from the womb – from this giant cube of lunch garbage.  when the driver stopped and turned around to check on him, the homeless man was – i think understandably – in no mood to be social, and fled the scene.  and when the driver alerted authorities about the incident, that's when the all-day manhunt began.

i don't remember the particulars at this point, but the next portion of the article recounted some of the antics and evasive maneuverings our hapless hero used in alluding the police for hours and and hours on end. it wasn’t exactly Harrison Ford from The Fugitive, per se, but as i recall it there were numerous fences hopped, multiple reports of him sprinting through back yards, and at least one bicycle commandeered.  and considering that our man was as caked in discarded slices of cheese pizza and pudding cups as a human being possibly can be, his mad scramble for freedom through the outskirts of suburban Virginia was still pretty impressive.

eventually, though,  a helicopter got involved, and even the cagiest among us is going to have a hard time keeping the party going once they bring in the air support.  he was eventually located and cornered, found in a crouching posture down a storm drain. the officer quoted in the article said that when the man was finally cornered and gave up he was clearly in a hiding mode.

i clipped out that article and held onto that it for years, and to this day still regard as – pound for pound – the funniest piece of paper i've ever owned.  it wasn't just the bizarre story itself, either.  it was the matter of fact, relatively droll style of a small town newspaper that seemingly saw nothing remarkable enough about the story to even it a place further up in the publication than the minutes from the local town council meeting.

sometimes i would pull it out at a party, and pass it along or read it to the guests, if the mood was right. but mainly i just held onto it so every once in a while i'd be reminded to think about what must i've been the most exhausted, pointless, and awkward exchange between the cops and a man hiding in a storm drain - even if all of the cafeteria food that had been smashed into his hair and clothes and body was left out of it entirely.

i lost that article a long time ago, but i like to think of that story from time to time.  it's good to keep a couple of those in your back pocket for when you need of a good laugh. in the publication industry they're called evergreens, and there’s a couple more i'd share with you, but it's getting late and there’s only a tiny sliver of the moon out tonight and i’ve had a couple glasses of red that are making me tired.  i don't even know who won the goddamn game today - and i couldn’t care less.

besides, i’m far enough past that sense of invincibility and arrogance i had from when i clipped out that article to have at least a little bit more sense of what that poor bastard must have been feeling when he made his last ditch effort in climbing down that storm drain.  and even though i highly doubt i’ll ever have quite a day like that, there’s more than enough time left on the punch card to realize that it’s not entirely out of the realm of possibility either.  there but for the grace of God go i, right?

well, let’s hope it never gets to that point.  but in the mean time it’s time go into my own Hiding Mode, and use the time to rest up and heal and fix up things up on the back end over here.  sometimes you just need to regroup and retool for a moment.  it can be a lonely sport, but there’s much to do and not a lot of time to do it in, so if the writing slows down a bit don’t be surprised, and don’t be worried.  i haven’t forgotten you or home or anything else for that matter, i’m just hunkering down for a bit and will be in touch again when it’s time to pop up.

i hope your travels are faring a little better than mine this weekend, and that you're kicking ass out there on the road. and say hi to Willy for me, if you get the chance...

be good, and talk soon.